19: Getting through the holidays

In this episode of Let's Be Perfectly Queer, your cool uncle and aunt (kinda) Archie and Katie, delve into the topic of Christmas within the LGBTQIA+ community. Drawing on their personal experiences, they share insights and offer valuable advice on navigating family gatherings, setting boundaries, and prioritising mental health during the holiday season. 

From dealing with family trauma to handling uncomfortable questions, they provide strategies for self-preservation and resilience. They emphasise the importance of celebrating Christmas in a way that feels authentic to you, whether that means creating alternative plans or choosing friends over family. 

Archie and Katie end Season One on a high note, promising exciting plans for Season Two. Get ready for more engaging discussions on Queer dating, eating disorders, and much more. Until next year, stay Perfectly Queer!

Topics Discussed:

- Navigating Christmas as part of the LGBTQIA+ community

- Experiences of trauma and discomfort during the holiday season

- Strategies for preserving mental health and setting boundaries

- Dealing with family expectations and obligations

- Coping with family members' disapproval

- Finding alternative ways to celebrate Christmas

- Prioritizing self-care and happiness during the festive season

If you have found anything we have spoken about in this episode difficult or triggering, you can reach out to the following services:

Phone:

• Lifeline is available 24/7 – 13 11 14
• Beyondblue is available 24/7 - 1300 224 636
• Crisis Care Helpline is available 24/7 – 1800 199 008
• Kids Helpline is available 24/7 – 1800 55 1800
• RUAH Community Services is available 24/7 - 13 78 24

Online:

• Head to health online chat  - headtohealth.gov.au
• RUAH Community Services - ruah.org.au or connect@ruah.org.au 

 
 
Send us through your stories and experiences at letsbeperfectlyqueerpod@gmail.com

Transcript

Podcast: Let's Be Perfectly Queer

Episode Title: Getting Through The Holidays

Host(s): Katie, Archie

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Katie (Host) | 00:00:07 to 00:00:18
Welcome back. Welcome to let's be perfectly queer, a. Queer podcast, creating space to talk about all things queer. My name is Archie. And I'm Katie.

Archie (Host) | 00:00:18 to 00:00:32
And we are your host. Yay, host. I hate saying that word. Questions of value I tend to by making answers to clarify whether you're queen or somewhere in between. Let's be perfectly clear.

Katie (Host) | 00:00:33 to 00:00:40
Back for another week. Fortnite. We are back in your eholes for once a fortnight. Exactly. Yeah.

Archie (Host) | 00:00:40 to 00:00:52
Sometimes when we are having a good fortnight, we are in your eholes once a fortnight. We are human. Yes. Is what the crust is. Anyway, what's this episode about?

Katie (Host) | 00:00:52 to 00:01:18
So this episode, getting right into it is going to be basically a little bit of a chitchat session. Us, as your not parental figures of the queer community, but like your cool uncle and auntish of the queer community, we would like to chat to you about Christmas. Yes. Because it's like such a big topic when full queers going home for Christmas. Or just like how to navigate it that we're like, you know what?

Katie (Host) | 00:01:18 to 00:01:33
Let's have a chat about it. We'll share our experiences, we'll share our tidbits because we do know some things over the years, because collaboratively we have 60 plus years of experience. That is true. Look at that. That is very true.

Katie (Host) | 00:01:33 to 00:01:42
Gosh, that makes us sound really like. Chef kiss smarter than we are. Yeah. I feel like a professional. Not that I'm not a professional in other aspects of my life, but in.

Archie (Host) | 00:01:42 to 00:01:45
This one also, do you have green eyeshadow on? Or is it just the.

Katie (Host) | 00:01:48 to 00:02:11
Also, if you see me playing with my hands, I have fidget toys because I find it a lot easier to deal with. And because last episode, when I was editing the videos, Katie was rubbing her laptop that I had to cut out half the videos that I wanted to use because it was irritating me so much that if it was irritating me, it's going to irritate you guys. So I had to change that up. So, yeah, that's what it is. I have these little wormy things which are a lot of fun to play with.

Katie (Host) | 00:02:11 to 00:02:33
So that's where my hands are going to because I need things to fidget with. So this episode we're going to talk about specifically going home for Christmas, but also just what's it like going home as someone from the LGBTQIA plus community and just some safety tips and things to preserve yourself. Yeah, true. Very true. Have you had good experiences with Christmas?

Katie (Host) | 00:02:33 to 00:02:45
Like, before you came out as queer? Did you enjoy Christmas before I came out as queer? I love Christmas. Christmas was a big family thing. So I grew up in a small country town where most of my aunties, cousins, uncles, everybody was their grandparents from both sides.

Archie (Host) | 00:02:45 to 00:03:10
So Christmas was always huge, and it was like a lunchtime and a dinner thing. As I got older, it kind of became just one because the siblings and the cousins would fight a lot. So it wasn't as big as it used to be, but it was huge. Like, it was both sides of the family, usually, mostly the portuguese side, with some of the vietnamese family members coming along as well. There was drinking, games, a lot of food.

Archie (Host) | 00:03:10 to 00:03:33
Like, a lot of food. There'd be like a pig on the spit or something like that. It was a very big family, communal thing, and all the adults would gather around a table and pretty much spend all day around the table, chatting, hanging out, that kind of thing. And it was a different family member's turn every year to host. I think my uncle was every two years because he had the biggest property, but, yeah, so it was a very big thing and it was very family orientated.

Katie (Host) | 00:03:33 to 00:03:47
And what was your favourite part about Christmas? The food. It was seeing everybody. It was seeing everybody and just the traditions that we had. So the traditions we had was obviously coming from a catholic family.

Archie (Host) | 00:03:47 to 00:04:05
There was midnight mass, so we'd all go to midnight mass, and then we'd go to granddad's and Nana's house afterwards. Not all the time. So you'd be there after midnight mass, just talking, chatting and that kind of thing. Another thing was we weren't allowed to open our presents till Granddad and Nana turned up. So you kind of had to wait because grand and Nana would go to all the Grandkids'houses.

Archie (Host) | 00:04:05 to 00:04:26
And then you had to wait because you weren't allowed to open the presents, even though they always gave us money every year, but they wanted to see us open presents. I can understand that. It's the joy of giving and being able to see somebody. Yeah, but they always gave us money and a bank account that we didn't open or anything on Christmas. And then we'd all go, like, everybody would bring food to someone's house and lots of dessert.

Archie (Host) | 00:04:26 to 00:04:36
Lots of food and. Yeah, nice. How about yourself? So my Christmases. I mean, a family trauma, guys, this is what it is.

Katie (Host) | 00:04:36 to 00:04:48
So I've never really liked Christmas. It's never been something that has been. It's always been guests big in our house, but it was always just like a family thing. But it was never great. It was one of those really traumatising times.

Katie (Host) | 00:04:48 to 00:05:04
And if you're out there experiencing trauma with family members, specifically having to deal with family members. I get you. That was my whole childhood, so it wasn't a fun time. Despite as much hard work that my mom did. She was an absolute saint with all of that.

Katie (Host) | 00:05:04 to 00:05:39
But it's one of those things that as you get older, you realise that that's the way for a lot of families. Whether it be a parental figure who's difficult or siblings who are difficult, or you've got extended family that are hard to deal with, it's something that even before being queer or adding that element to it, sometimes it is already difficult. And I think the favourite part about Christmas for me was, oh, my gosh, it was definitely the food. Yeah, 100% even. Like, no matter what, even if it was traumatising, dude, as an emotional eater, as somebody who loves food, that was always the best part.

Katie (Host) | 00:05:39 to 00:06:00
And my mom used to make like the most mad. And you've tasted it, her trifle, her mango trifle is like chef's kiss, the most best thing ever. And I always used to look forward to that. And when Master Chef was around, which may be showing our age, but when we used to watch Master Chef in the good years and mum would always be like, oh, let's try out this. Let's do a crocken bush.

Katie (Host) | 00:06:01 to 00:06:20
Oh, my goodness. She's an amazing lady. So, yeah, that's what I used to look forward to with Christmas. And I guess the thing is, did you find when you came out as queer or when you started realising that you may have been part of the community, did you find it hard? You said that midnight mass was a big thing for you.

Archie (Host) | 00:06:20 to 00:06:47
Well, since being coming out as queer, I haven't really been home that much for Christmas because being at university and stuff and then getting a job was just too hard in terms of finding out. I just hit it down, really deep down until I went to university and then I didn't really go home much because it is a fair trip. So not really. Like, I haven't been home that often since being queer, coming out as queer, you know what I mean? So it's been for other events, not really Christmas.

Archie (Host) | 00:06:47 to 00:07:07
Yeah, because I also worked in retail for many years and I couldn't get Christmas off, so it was very, very hard. And then the one year that I did get Christmas off, I got really frustrated at mum because she wouldn't let me do anything. So I just left early. I was getting really frustrated and agitated because she wouldn't let me do anything and I said I've just come from the busiest time in retail. I need to be doing things.

Archie (Host) | 00:07:07 to 00:07:19
I'm so bored here and I forgot how boring this place is. If you don't let me do anything over Christmas, when everything is closed. And she wouldn't let me do anything and so I just got frustrated and left. What do you mean? Like not even leave the house?

Katie (Host) | 00:07:19 to 00:07:24
She didn't let you do anything? Well, there's not much to do. Everything's closed. It's a small town. Sure.

Archie (Host) | 00:07:24 to 00:07:33
So I said, let me do things, let me help around, do that kind of stuff. And I was so bored that I literally, I was supposed to say boxing Day, and I was like, screw it. I just got in the car and left. She cried. But I was like, you're not listening to me.

Archie (Host) | 00:07:33 to 00:08:15
And my needs got up and left. And I think that's what it comes down to as well, is that when you realise that you need to look after yourself at Christmas, that's such a major thing. I want to talk about a couple of topics on this and I think one of the major things is looking after yourself and how to navigate relationships, people's requests of you, all those kind of things, while making sure that you are still prioritising yourself in a very wholesome way and in a very authentic way and saying yes to what you can do and sorry, no, I can't do that to things that you can't do as well. And if this is bringing up any memories and you'd like to share it, please feel free to send us a voice note. DM send us an email.

Katie (Host) | 00:08:15 to 00:08:31
Sounds good. So I think that the thing is that there sometimes are a lot of difficult. People have difficult times with Christmas and like myself, it's about knowing what's going to trigger you. And that's a hard thing. It's really hard.

Katie (Host) | 00:08:31 to 00:08:54
And sometimes you find those acknowledgments with going to therapy. Sometimes as an adult, you actually have to figure out why you're having emotions. It may not necessarily mean that sometimes. I don't know if this happens for you, but I find that my brain sometimes doesn't connect with my body and that I know I'll explain. I can see it.

Archie (Host) | 00:08:54 to 00:09:20
What do you mean? It gets to a point that you might be feeling in an emotion and you're not really sure how to articulate it, but you're feeling it in your body, whether it be agitation or irritation, which are very similar, or nervousness or excitement. And your body is getting these feelings of agitation, but you can't really pinpoint what they're due to. And sometimes it can be due to something that's physiological. So sometimes it can be.

Katie (Host) | 00:09:20 to 00:09:37
And for me, I have to go through and be like, am I wearing something comfortable? Am I uncomfortable with how I look? Am I uncomfortable with what I've eaten today? Am I uncomfortable because I haven't done any exercise and therefore I've got this nervous energy? Am I uncomfortable because I've put myself in a situation that leads me to feeling nervous?

Katie (Host) | 00:09:37 to 00:10:14
And sometimes nervous also translates in the same way as being agitated because your body can't really articulate that way. And I have to go specifically through a thing of being like, well, what is this feeling that I'm feeling? Because I don't know why, but that's just how my body works, is that I'm not yet, and not going to say that I'm never going to get to this point, but I can't really understand why my body sometimes gets these irritations and I'm not really sure where the stimulus is. So I guess my advice to people is try to identify why you're feeling a certain way. If you're feeling discomfort, figure it out.

Archie (Host) | 00:10:14 to 00:10:25
Yeah. It's one of those things that if you can figure out the source of discomfort, then you can help yourself more. Yeah. And you don't owe anyone else your discomfort? No.

Katie (Host) | 00:10:25 to 00:10:48
And you're the only one who really knows basis of what your needs are. Yes. As well as. It's that whole spoon principle. If you've already taken away all these spoons from all these other things that you're dealing with, you're so low on your spoons and you can't really do things in those situations that can bring your spoons back because you're not in an area of safety where you can be like, all right, well, I'll go chill out in my room for a little bit.

Archie (Host) | 00:10:48 to 00:11:09
I didn't have a room. Yeah, you're not in your safe space. You couldn't chill out in your room, you couldn't go play music, you couldn't go do things that you might do to kind of chill you out for a little bit because you can't actually regain that. And it's those kind of things that you're just like, well, is it worth it? And I think a lot of people feel an obligation to that family.

Katie (Host) | 00:11:09 to 00:11:20
Just because you've been doing it the whole time means that you have to continue doing it. That's not what life's about. No. Just because something's been the same way each year. Doesn't mean that it's going to work for you.

Katie (Host) | 00:11:20 to 00:11:37
Each year, things change. Yeah. And your priorities change. And the older you get, you realise the trauma based from family events. And as you get older, you just have to kind of come up with some better preservation tactics and strategies for your mental health.

Archie (Host) | 00:11:37 to 00:11:53
Because, unfortunately, our parents didn't grow up in an age where mental health was a priority. And they have traumas and they have. Well, they have traumas that they're passing on to us without even realising it. The traumas of Christmas and the big things. And mum was always so stressed and she doesn't get out of the kitchen.

Archie (Host) | 00:11:53 to 00:12:37
It's not the way that I envision Christmases anymore, and I haven't been back to where I grew up since transitioning. Yeah. And it's that whole thing of, like, even if you haven't had a traumatic Christmas, growing up sounds like you've had great experiences with Christmas, which is really awesome, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it's always going to work for you, having, first of all, that time off. And as adults, we're very busy. You might have a profession that allows you to have holidays over that period of time, or you might have a profession that doesn't, like when you're working in hospitality, in that you may have only had one day off, or singular days off, or like maybe a couple sporadically around, but you still have to look after yourself.

Katie (Host) | 00:12:37 to 00:13:26
For some people, if they are in a partnership or if they come from different families in themselves and have to attend a lot of different gatherings, that can be incredibly socially draining, because it's not just the idea behind. It may be lovely in seeing everyone that you love, but also having the financial requirements that actually comes into it, whether it be like the travel of the petrol or the gift giving, or whether it's the things that you bring along to it. Sometimes, even if it is just yourself, it's the psychological things that come behind it, which is like the draining of having your social battery totally on, because everyone has. I mean, you'd hope that everyone is wanting to have a good time at Christmas. And those people who don't have a good time at Christmas may not necessarily be the grinch.

Katie (Host) | 00:13:26 to 00:13:43
Sometimes they just come with their own trauma. It's not necessarily that people go into it with a bad idea, but it tends to be a lot more draining than you. You know, if you need to go away at Christmas, go away. Yeah. You've just got to do what's best for you and you don't owe your holidays to anyone.

Archie (Host) | 00:13:44 to 00:14:06
Life is so short and you only get so much time to live that you don't owe your holidays to anyone. And I know it's harder in the city, and I know that growing up in the country, it was a lot easier for all the families to get together. It's a five minute drive most of the time, and everybody's like, oh, it's the country idea where all families come together, both sides. Doesn't matter. But then it doesn't always happen that way because then you also have like, olive oil.

Archie (Host) | 00:14:06 to 00:14:23
This person doesn't really get online person. We need to go there and whatnot. And it's even harder for families who come from parents who are separated and then trying to divide all your time. You don't owe your time to anybody. It's your time to do as you wish and you make plans that you want to make.

Archie (Host) | 00:14:23 to 00:14:34
It wasn't until I got older that we started doing friendmus. We don't have families for Christmas because I live so far away from my family. We don't have families. Families Christmas don't. Orphans.

Katie (Host) | 00:14:34 to 00:14:42
Yes, orphans for Christmas. And then we'll get back into the biz. February. They used to do orphan Christmas. Working in retail, I couldn't get the time off, so it was orphan Christmas.

Archie (Host) | 00:14:42 to 00:14:53
Whoever can't go home for Christmas, bring a present, come hang out with us. And I found those were a lot less stressful. You know what I mean? Yeah. They're going to be there and there's no obligation to them.

Archie (Host) | 00:14:53 to 00:15:02
So if they can make it, they'll make it. If they can't, there is no problem. You'll make it next year or not. You don't feel obligated to attend these things and you don't feel obligated to try to make someone come. Yes.

Katie (Host) | 00:15:03 to 00:15:22
That's such an important thing as well. If you are hosting something, people are allowed to say no. If it doesn't work out for them, that's perfectly fine. Sometimes it's the boundary that is really difficult to put in. But then also you have to respect, I found personally how it's worked with us is that we don't have a family Christmas anymore.

Katie (Host) | 00:15:22 to 00:15:42
We catch up with friends and then we catch up with our family or specific people that are within the family, within the family group at specific times. And that kind of, you still get the capturing of getting to see the people that you love without having the trauma behind it. And it is going to be the first time. It's going to be difficult. It really is.

Katie (Host) | 00:15:42 to 00:16:04
I remember the first time that we did it and having discussions with family members and being like, well, sorry, I'm not coming to the family dinner. Like, I'm not doing. It's uncomfortable, we don't want to be there. But also, that's the whole thing of not even having to justify, if somebody loves you, they'll understand and they'll already know what's happening in your life. And sometimes it just is what it is.

Katie (Host) | 00:16:04 to 00:16:25
Like, you can't do it doesn't mean that you're never going to do it. Sometimes it does mean that you're never going to do it and just be like, well, that's not going to work for me. But it's having that, respecting yourself and if you make a boundary, that's a good thing, good on you. But making sure that you have the resilience and support to stick with that boundary. Because sometimes, don't feel pressured.

Archie (Host) | 00:16:25 to 00:16:45
Don't give into the pressure of, oh, well, this might be this person's last Christmas. No, you don't owe that to anybody. You can still spend time with them. And like, with us doing the friend catch up and the parent catch ups or whatever it may be, we extend Christmas. So Christmas, not just one day, it's a collection of different events.

Archie (Host) | 00:16:45 to 00:17:00
So there's a bit more magic to it because we're like, oh, well, this is a Christmas season. It's just not one day. It's like, oh, we've got this with our friends, we've got these things, we've got friend, miss, we've got that kind of thing. And it extends the magic of Christmas. So you just find out what works for you and what works for us might not work for you.

Archie (Host) | 00:17:00 to 00:17:14
You might have a very limited social battery, and doing all these events won't work. You don't have to do that. You just do what works for you. And that's such a good point of having multiple different events. It doesn't necessarily, because I know some people don't.

Katie (Host) | 00:17:14 to 00:17:44
I was going to say support, but that's not the right. Some people don't do Christmas, some people do other festive events. And if that's what works for you, that's what works for you. Having a festive season or celebrating at different times of the year because of either different religious principles or different value systems, I think that's absolutely brilliant because sometimes this time of the year, it gets inundated with Christmas, and Christmas again comes from like, you've got Christianity, Catholicism, all that kind of stuff. It gets a lot.

Archie (Host) | 00:17:44 to 00:18:00
Yeah, it's become more of a commercial holidays because a lot of people who are atheists also celebrate Christmas. So it doesn't really have the kind of same connotations as it used to. So don't also feel bad if you don't celebrate Christmas. You don't have to. Yeah, completely doesn't have to be there.

Katie (Host) | 00:18:00 to 00:18:07
I mean, the sales are. Oh, yeah, love sales. I love Boxing Day. But we're not going to be here. Well, we will be, but we're not going to go out for Boxing Day and stuff.

Archie (Host) | 00:18:07 to 00:18:12
I'll cheque Amazon. It'll be fine. There are so many sales around this time anyway. It's so true. Yeah.

Archie (Host) | 00:18:12 to 00:18:47
So it's just about preserving yourself and your mental health and knowing maybe reaching out to support services at this time of year because they are a lot of places that a phone call away. And if you know that a family member is going to be difficult, especially if they don't accept you for being LGBTQIA plus, then you have those strategies put in place for those circumstances that may arise. So it's not just okay not going in prepared. If you have to do Christmas stuff and you know that it's going to impact on your mental health, then you have strategies put in place. Yeah, that's incredibly fair.

Katie (Host) | 00:18:47 to 00:19:21
And on that note as well is if you have told your family or if you haven't told your family, so if there are some family members within your family itself that do know and there's some that don't know, what would be your advice to people on how to navigate that situation? You don't owe staying in the closet to anybody. When I was still presenting as female and I brought a partner home for the first time, my mum brought me a sign and said, oh, we're happy that you do this, but no holding hands in public. Don't think. Don't say anything to your grandparents.

Archie (Host) | 00:19:21 to 00:19:39
And for me, I was like, but you're putting me back in the closet. And just because you're uncomfortable, why should I put your comfort ahead of my own? Yeah. At the end of the day, I was like, I was really, really mad at my mum for that because I get it. It comes from the portuguese thing, and there is quite a large portuguese community.

Archie (Host) | 00:19:39 to 00:19:46
Well, there was. And they talk. At the end of the day, if they talk about me, they talk about me. I'm not there. Who cares?

Archie (Host) | 00:19:46 to 00:20:11
I remember this one time that I went back for a month to spend time with my granddad, who was sick, so we went fishing every single day, that kind of thing. The rumour mill that I dropped out of university because I was covered in tats. I dropped out of university and I'm a drug dealer because I'd spent a month with my family. At the end of the day, I was like, you do what you want, I don't care. You can make up every story about me, but I'm not going to diminish who I am to please you.

Archie (Host) | 00:20:12 to 00:20:26
A small community who likes to talk. Yeah, simple as that. So you've got to put yourself first. And if your family say, oh, you can't tell Uncle Joe or grandma will get upset, it doesn't matter. You do not owe staying in the closet to anybody.

Archie (Host) | 00:20:26 to 00:20:44
If you are comfortable being who you are in front of them, be who you are. If you're not, maybe it's not the right environment for you at Christmas. Yeah, that's such a fair point. I think also the thing is that the fact that she says, I accept you, but I don't accept you. Acception should never have a but a butt.

Katie (Host) | 00:20:45 to 00:21:02
It should never be like, I accept you, but that's not an acceptance. That's internalised homophobia. Yes, that's them thinking they're okay with it, but they're like the person over there who doesn't, who is homophobic. I'm not okay with confronting them and I'm not okay with. It's homophobia.

Katie (Host) | 00:21:02 to 00:21:16
And it's saying that that person who's homophobic, that you value them being more comfortable than the person. Yeah. Than your own child. And so now she's great. Now she's like the biggest supporter will put all over Facebook with being very proud of who I am and that kind of thing.

Archie (Host) | 00:21:16 to 00:21:56
But at the time, it was a double edged sword. Like, yeah, you accept me, but you don't accept me at the same time. And also, if you think that you can't come out to somebody, if it comes a situation that you are scared to come out to somebody because you're scared of what the ramifications are going to be, or, you know, that person is going to be argumentative, or they're not going to accept you and it's actually going to end up in a violent or an emotionally or physically abusive situation, then it's not good for you to be in that situation to start off with. If you are scared to come out to somebody specifically scared, then it's not good for you to be in that situation and you should probably not have a relationship with them and you can. Grow it back if that's something you want to do.

Archie (Host) | 00:21:56 to 00:22:10
And if they're not going to accept you, then there are other people out there who will be your family. Absolutely there are. And then thinking about that as well. So I have not been back to my small town since I started transitioning, and that is partly due to fear. Yeah.

Archie (Host) | 00:22:10 to 00:22:39
I wanted to wait a long time so that I wasn't in that awkward phase where that people would still very much recognise me and be like, what's going on here? Because I need to preserve my own safety. And I've had family members like, oh, when are you going to visit? Come back and visit, that kind of stuff. I know what people are like in that town, and at no fault of their own, they are very small minded at times based on not having the broad community, of having a lot of people who are lgbt and that kind of thing.

Archie (Host) | 00:22:39 to 00:23:04
And they did a queer event that got a bit of a hate on Facebook and stuff. So that just proved to me why I have not visited. It's not that I love my family, I do, but I also have to preserve my own safety. And now I could probably go back and that. We have spoke about going back, but up until this point, when I know that I pass really, really well for my own safety, I was not going to a small town that far away from the city.

Katie (Host) | 00:23:04 to 00:23:16
Yeah. Because there's so many elements to that. It's not having the safety of being able to get out of there quickly. Yes. But it's also that a lot of people aren't educated in the queer community.

Archie (Host) | 00:23:16 to 00:23:32
No. And they try. I want to restate that. I don't mean in the queer community, but I mean about the big queer community, because, granted, when you are in a large city, you have more opportunities to meet people of different backgrounds. Yes.

Katie (Host) | 00:23:32 to 00:23:45
Which is great. I think it's really important. Whereas in country towns, it doesn't necessarily have that amount of diversity, and people who are diverse tend to leave because they can't find their own community. And that's why I left. Yeah.

Katie (Host) | 00:23:45 to 00:24:03
And it's hard as well, because sometimes people do want to learn about the LGBTQIA plus community. But it does mean that you're then having to educate them. Yes. And it's not your responsibility as a queer person to educate other people about being queer. If you want to do that, start a podcast.

Katie (Host) | 00:24:04 to 00:24:14
Yeah, do it. If you're happy to do it, that's great. But it's actually not your responsibility to be like, oh, yes, and this is what it is. And let me tell you about all the rallies that we've done. And let's tell you about.

Archie (Host) | 00:24:14 to 00:24:26
It's very exhausting. It's incredibly exhausting. It takes a lot of spoons to go and educate other people. Yeah. And especially sometimes even more so when they argue with you, when you're trying to educate someone because they've asked to be educated.

Archie (Host) | 00:24:26 to 00:24:43
But then every point you say they shut it down or they come up with some kind of argument like it's a debate. And that's what it was like when I was visiting before, when I was just presenting as FEMA and as a lesbian, it was constantly like, but what about this point? But what about this point? But this. And so it was very exhausting.

Archie (Host) | 00:24:43 to 00:25:16
And then knowing now that going back as trans, how many inappropriate questions and how many people would be debating who. So, you know, I had to preserve my own safety. And I haven't been back there in, I think, three or four years, and that is a long time because I used to go back once a year or a couple of times a year, and I haven't been back in three or four years because I knew what I needed to do for myself. On the note of having inappropriate questions, because I think that's such a good subject to address as well. How do you personally, because I'm sure we've got different ways of addressing inappropriate questions.

Katie (Host) | 00:25:17 to 00:25:23
How do you tend to address an inappropriate question? I say, I'm just not going to answer that. Yeah. Depends on who asks that. Okay.

Archie (Host) | 00:25:23 to 00:25:35
So if it's a family member, I was like, I'm not going to answer that. That's rude. Or just, that's not an appropriate question to ask. If it's someone who's like a distant thing, I'm like, I just walk away. Yeah.

Archie (Host) | 00:25:36 to 00:26:05
If someone asks a question and you're not comfortable, make sure you have some of those pre approved. You know what I mean? But have some predetermined answers that you're going to go with because that's what I do when I know that I'm going to be like, so we had a family wedding that we went to, and I already had in my mind five, six, seven different pre approved answers that I was going to give. Had someone asked me something inappropriate, it didn't happen, which it was great, but I kind of just don't answer them or I say, not the time or place. Yeah, that's such a fair point.

Archie (Host) | 00:26:05 to 00:26:20
Yeah. Because if you have something already there in your brain, it's easier to call upon. Yes. Especially because in those kind of situations, if somebody asks you something really inappropriate. You kind of disengage your frontal lobe and go into flight or fight response, and you're just like, how about yourself?

Archie (Host) | 00:26:20 to 00:26:48
So have you ever had those kind of moments where someone, like a family member or a friend has asked you some inappropriate questions? And how do you go about it all the time? So I don't tend to get them as much these days about myself. I get them a lot about you, funnily enough, in which people ask me inappropriate things, and similarly to what you said, I've been like, look, that's not an appropriate question. And if it's been somebody close to me, I will explain why it's not appropriate question and just be like, look, this is what you're saying to me.

Katie (Host) | 00:26:49 to 00:27:06
This is what the context is. You would not say that to somebody who isn't in this situation. So why do you think it's okay to say to my partner? And a lot of the time, they're like, oh, I didn't think about it in that way. And sometimes people are actually curious because they disassociate from the whole situation.

Katie (Host) | 00:27:06 to 00:27:19
They disassociate from the idea that this is a Relationship and we're human beings. They kind of go, oh, my goodness, you need to tell me everything about it. And I'm like, well, no, I don't. I don't need to tell you about anything. And funnily enough, there is a whole.

Archie (Host) | 00:27:19 to 00:27:39
Internet out there, if you really wanted to. There is a breadth of information for you to find out the stuff that you want to find out. Reddit. Look, on Reddit, there's so much information down the Rabbit Hole. So it's like, I'm sure that some of you who are listening have been on the awkward end of conversations, even people who aren't part of the LGBTQIA plus community but who are trying to get pregnant.

Katie (Host) | 00:27:39 to 00:28:00
Yeah, there are a lot of questions that you get out there just as general Heterosexual Couples. It doesn't just affect the Queer Community. So if you are one of our Allies or we're listening, make sure that you also have some Safety things put in place if, you know, some inappropriate questions or some things may be brought up. Yeah. Because there's a whole thing about, oh, my goodness, it's the whole pregnancy thing, or when are you getting married?

Katie (Host) | 00:28:00 to 00:28:20
Thing? Or, like, what are you doing with your life? Oh, I saw the great thing the other day. That was the potential you see in other people is not actually the potential you see in other people, that it's actually what you would do in their lives. But that doesn't work because you are not in their circumstances and you're never actually going to know the full extent of what's happening in their life.

Archie (Host) | 00:28:20 to 00:28:35
That's exactly. That's so interesting because there's nothing quite like being at a family gathering and being like, oh, they should have gone and done this with their lives. And you're like, well, no, because you're not living their life. It doesn't work like that. You don't know what it's like.

Katie (Host) | 00:28:35 to 00:29:01
And even if you do know what it's like, even if you do know everything that's happening, which is baffling to me, but even if you do know everything that's happening, it still might not be applicable to them because they've got a different set of values as you. Maybe they don't want to be a Lego genius. You never know. I think the other thing that's really important is bringing supports. So whether that be a physical human being as support, bring them.

Archie (Host) | 00:29:01 to 00:29:22
Or if a support animal or a. Support animal or support little jellies to fiddle with, you never know. There is whatever is going to make you feel more comfortable if you are having to do the Christmas thing. Like, if you want to do the Christmas thing and you are sitting in that situation and you're like, oh, yeah, I would like to do that, but there is something that's going to make me more comfortable. Do the thing that makes you feel more comfortable.

Katie (Host) | 00:29:22 to 00:29:46
If your family is pushing you to wear something you don't want to wear, don't. Because by you, being more comfortable will make a better situation for you and therefore a better situation for the whole people involved, because then you'll feel happier. And I think people forget that the whole point of the festive season is meant to be happiness. And it's the celebration of happiness. It's not about the obligation that you've got to other people.

Katie (Host) | 00:29:46 to 00:29:58
It's literally about happiness and sharing your happiness with others or by yourself. Yeah. There is nothing wrong with being home. You can always be home watching Christmas movies or reading a good book. You do what you want to do.

Archie (Host) | 00:29:58 to 00:30:11
It's your time, it's your Christmas, you do whatever you want. You want a day of crafts by yourself, do a day of craft by yourself. That sounds beautiful. And that's one thing that as you get older, you realise how short life is. Yes.

Archie (Host) | 00:30:12 to 00:30:22
And life is short. You do what you want with the time that you do have on this earth. Yeah. So if you don't want to do Christmas, don't do Christmas. You don't want to do Christmas with your family.

Archie (Host) | 00:30:22 to 00:30:39
Don't do Christmas with your family. If you want to go to the beach and just spend the day at the beach, do what you want to do and what will make you happy. Most importantly, your mental health comes first before the happiness of your family. Exactly. And choose short term discomfort over long term resentment.

Archie (Host) | 00:30:39 to 00:30:56
Yes. Because if it's going to be a short term where you're just saying no to people and you're putting in boundaries, but you're going to resent them for the rest of your life, the rest of your life is a lot longer harbouring resentment. It leads to a lot of trauma, a lot of therapy. Therapy is expensive. The other thing is, we're going to put a lot of.

Katie (Host) | 00:30:56 to 00:31:28
As always, we're going to put a lot of links in the show notes because, like we did mention, Christmas is a really difficult time for people and sometimes it is a time of loss. And just because you do have trauma and you are separating yourself from people because you need to for your own safety, or that you need to because it's not good, doesn't mean that you're not going to have a feeling of loss at that time. Yeah. You're going to grieve over what once was and what you had. And we might even put up some questions on our stories of some.

Archie (Host) | 00:31:28 to 00:31:52
What do you do at Christmas to help with your own mental health? Or what strategies have you put into place if visiting family who are not the most open or the most loving about you being lgbtqia plus or you being anything or anything? There's nothing quite like going to a family thing and being get told that. You'Re fat all the time. That's from my vietnamese grandma.

Archie (Host) | 00:31:52 to 00:32:02
Pokes your belly and goes, mup getting fat. There's nothing quite like it. She'll poke your belly? Yeah. And then when you're skinny, she, like, taps your belly and rubs it.

Katie (Host) | 00:32:02 to 00:32:14
Right. And it gives you the thumbs up. That's even worse. You'd be like, what you're doing is good stuff. I remember when I went back with tatoos, she grabbed my arm and was like, yucky, right?

Katie (Host) | 00:32:14 to 00:32:27
Yeah. But she rubbed my belly, was like, thumbs up and then went to my tattoos, rubbed it and was like, not so good. Oh, my gosh. There's nothing quite like that, is it? I find it really interesting because the other thing is, like, family acceptance of tattoos.

Katie (Host) | 00:32:27 to 00:32:39
That's so funny. Oh, my mum hates them. It's so funny because people will have these opinions again, of how they would live your life. You ruined your skin. Why were you going to dead in 20 years time?

Katie (Host) | 00:32:39 to 00:32:50
Were you going to skin me and put me up on the shelf? What was this for? If it's not me, I'm probably going to end up with skin cancer. What is the point to this? It doesn't make any sense.

Katie (Host) | 00:32:50 to 00:33:04
Yeah, there's all these things. Festive season can be. It can be a tough time, a. Tough time, but also find what you love and if you're doing what you love may not be festive. Make it festive.

Katie (Host) | 00:33:04 to 00:33:12
Put a bloody Christmas hat on while you're doing it and then suddenly it's festive. Yeah. It's funny how things can be festive when you. It doesn't have to be festive. If you don't like Christmas, just be a Grinch.

Katie (Host) | 00:33:13 to 00:33:18
Yeah, absolutely. I've got like a grinch top on at the moment. It's like my favourite top. Archie found it for me. I'm like, I love it.

Archie (Host) | 00:33:18 to 00:33:29
You're welcome. She hyper fixated and needed to find a shirt at like 645 last night. Yeah, I did, guys. It was great. I think we've covered everything.

Archie (Host) | 00:33:29 to 00:33:38
I think so. If not, we'll do up some topics and some posts and stuff and get a bit of conversation happening around on instagram. Yeah. Feel free to reach out to us. Yeah.

Katie (Host) | 00:33:38 to 00:33:47
Oh, granted, the next thing is that. We are going on break. This is the end of season one because we're going to go on break for roughly six weeks if we plan it right. Yes. So then we can come back.

Katie (Host) | 00:33:48 to 00:34:04
But, yeah, we are going on a break, which means that if you are going to message us, please feel free to message us, but we may not. Get back to you as quick as we normally do. We've been pretty bad with our messages lately because it is the silly season and towards the end of school and that kind of thing. But we will get back to messages. But we will get back to you.

Katie (Host) | 00:34:04 to 00:34:17
It just will be delayed and we look forward. We've got a lot of fun things for the next year. Yeah, we've some great ideas and stuff, so please stick around. I know it's hard when we're not coming up on your feed and stuff as often, but please don't forget about us. Message us.

Archie (Host) | 00:34:17 to 00:34:27
We'll do some posts and stuff to remind you what our faces look like and that we're still here and are still around. Absolutely. And we are potentially going to do a little bit of a travel bit. Hopefully. We've got grand.

Archie (Host) | 00:34:27 to 00:34:47
Some cheap Amazon microphones. So we'll see how they go. And then we do have some guests for next year, which are going to be really interesting. So if you're interested in queer dating, we have a professional from hinge coming on from that. If you're interested in how eating disorders affect the queer community, we've got a professional talking about that.

Katie (Host) | 00:34:47 to 00:34:55
So we've got a lot of fun things, interesting things and interesting topics. For the next year. Stay tuned. For the next year. Stay tuned for season two.

Katie (Host) | 00:34:56 to 00:35:06
Yeah. So thank you so much. We hope that you have a great holiday season, however you spend it, and we'll see you in the new year. For season. For season two.

Archie (Host) | 00:35:06 to 00:35:24
Until next time. Until next year, I hope that we. Have been perfectly queer, close.